Again, as i said last update, thank you so much for all your kind words, prayers and support. I'd take a long time to list all the people we'd like to thank, but suffice it to say, the love coming in has been overwhelming. Brooke and I are both blessed with so many amazing friends and family. Also, again, i want to apologize for not returning texts or phone calls or emails. I still actually have voicemails i haven't even listened to yet, but i'll get to them at some point, i promise.
The past couple days have been eventful. Yesterday (Sunday), Brooke was well enough to get checked out of the hospital (Atlanta Medical Center). After we swung by the house briefly (to feed Hatchet and let her out), we went straight to Northside Hospital to be with Wolfie for the day. I had gotten to hang out with him a lot on Saturday, but Brooke had only gotten to see him for about 5 minutes before they helicoptered him to Northside.
We didn't get any new information yesterday, but we did get a lot of support from our friends and families, who made sure we were eating and taking care of ourselves. Spending time with Wolfie was hard, but also really nice. We didn't want to leave him, but neither Brooke nor I had slept in our own beds since Wednesday night, and there was nothing we could do for Wolfie at the moment, as he couldn't be moved or held because of the cooling treatment. These things considered, combined with my parents (Wolfie is their first grandchild) hanging out with him each evening late into the night, we decided to go home and try and recouperate and get a proper night's sleep, which neither of us had gotten yet.
I was so emotionally and physically drained from the past several days, that i was able to fall asleep almost the second my head hit the pillow. Brooke had a little bit of a harder time getting sleep, but every time she woke up she visualized Wolfie telling her that it was okay and that she needed to rest, and this helped her a lot.
On Sunday, our good friend who is an Anglican priest, Fr. Dale Brown, came by and blessed and prayed for Wolfie. Obviously, he would have come to the hospital for us anyways, but because his wife, Que, was our backup doula and was there for the whole labor and delivery, she was able to keep him updated and he was able to get to Northside the very next day. Before he left, he offered to baptize Wolfie whenever we wanted, should we feel we'd like to do that. This appealled to Brooke and I a great deal, and we decided that night to do it the next day, Monday (today).
As Brooke is still recovering, she still moves pretty slowly and was given a lot of orders from the nurses that required a lot of time. Because of this, something as simple as getting ready to go to the hospital to see Wolfie takes time. We did get to Northside in the late morning, though, just in time to see the pediatric neurologist. The neurologist had been able to monitor Wolfie's EEG activity remotely for 24 hours, and was about give him his first in-person exam. We stayed for his exam, and then the nuerologist asked us if we wanted to talk there next to Wolfie or in a private conference room. Brooke and I both realized that if he was giving us the option of talking in a private conference room, we should take him up on it, as things probably weren't too good.
Our assumption was correct. Wolfie's main doctor at Northside had told me on Saturday, after he was admitted and started on the cooling, that his case of HIE was a 9 out of 10, with 10 being the most severe. The neurologist told us that based on his EEG's and exam he had just give him, Wolfie's case was more like a 10 out of 10. The previous plan of treatment was for Wolfie to be cooled for 72 hours, and then warmed and given an MRI. The neurologist told us, however, he didn't need the MRI to be able to tell that Wolfie's brain was damaged beyond hope. The brain steam specifically was not doing any hint of it's instinctual functions, like breathing, gag reflex, and pupils responding to light.
The neurologist told us that he respected whatever we'd like to do, but medical science had exhausted it's resources, and we should probably start thinking about letting Wolfie pass on. He even offered to cut Wolfie's cooling period shorter so that we could let him pass on sooner. Needless to say, Brooke and I have cried a lot today. I'm not entirely familiar with the how grief usually works, but most of today has been crying interspersed with robotic acceptance.
Not long after receiving the news, Fr. Dale came to do Wolfie's baptism. It was a really nice little ceremony, and i got to record video of it as well. We brought an icon and a rosary my aunt made for me for Wolfie's baptismal sacramentals, and they are still hanging out at his bedside now. Dale did a great job, and we're very thankful he was able to come and do this for us.
After the baptism, we met with Wolfie's main doctor to wrap our minds around what he had told us earlier today. We obviously don't want to drag out Wolfie's situation when there is no hope for recovery, but at the same time it's obviously hard to let go of hope.
Even though we know waiting for him to be warmed up and waiting for the MRI results isn't going to change Wolfie's prognosis, we're going to wait for them anyways. Since our only hope at this point is quite a big miracle, this is our way of giving God a few days to decide if that's going to happen. Some of you may find this a bit silly and irrational, or some of you may think we're being narrowminded about what God can do. The bottom line is we're doing the best we know how, and we feel this decision will give us the most peace.
All that being said, we're still making preparations for Wolfie's passing, and the things that need to be taken care of afterwards.
People looking at our situation are likely to be counting their blessings at this point, but we're counting ours as well. While we're devastated that this happened to Wolfie, we are grateful for the days we've had and will have with him. Some parents never get the chance to say goodbye to their children, but we have and will. Even more, though he's not yet 3 days old, he's received love and well wishes and had more people thinking and praying for him than we can ever imagine.
In a strange way, we're also reassured by all the doctor's we've talked to who have told us that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this happening to Wolfie. It was out of our hands, and we're grateful we don't have to think about "what if" situations and other unhealthy guilt.
I would say, "I'll keep you all updated" but i can't promise i will after this post. However, I do feel comfortable saying that Brooke and I will be okay, and at some point in the future, we'll be out and about and among you again.
We love you all, and even if he can't say it, Wolfie loves you all too.
No comments:
Post a Comment