all the what ifs

Right now the hardest part of this journey is dealing with the "what ifs" that attack my thoughts and memories like cruel predators. 

I do find myself daydreaming all the time about everything that's happened... going all the way back to the day we learned we were pregnant.  I guess I can't help that I want to go back to a time when everything was laced with such happiness and promise.  Where everyday I was just so filled with excitement, bursting with pride for all the things that were happening to me and my body, joyfully anticipating a whole new life ahead of me, seriously enjoying every minute (yes, even enjoying the labor).  Unfortunately though, each thought of remembrance that I indulge in cannot end without me thinking of a way to fix it all... thinking of alternative choices that I could have made, or wondering "what if" I had done this or "what if" I had done that... would Wolfie have lived?

I have these thoughts most often just as soon as I wake up.  In the morning, as my eyes are slowly adjusting to the sunlight coming into our bedroom, my brain is soaking in seratonin, and if I've had particularly good dreams, probably a little oxytocin too.  Good thoughts creep to the surface with the sunrise.  Birds are chirping outside our window, and I am half asleep... and I can't help but think of the most precious thing in the world.  It's a new day, I feel so refreshed, and I want to immerse my every thought in the memories of Wolfie.  But even just a few minutes of dancing sweetly in memories with Wolf, of holding him, or feeling him kick me while I was pregnant, of his smell, or his sweet little pink lips or chubby knees... as my brain wakes up... as my eyes come into focus on the room around me... I am reminded of the cruel reality.  "But wait!" my mind yells... "I want to stay here, I want to be with him, I want to have him," and my mind starts to try to find ways to mend the circumstances.  My mind looks for things that could have been done differently.  And like a sad, wounded bird my mind flaps around on the ground, going nowhere and injuring itself further instead of resting or holding still to mend itself.  I don't know why it does this... but it does.  I'm sure I'm not the only one in the world whose mind does this. 

I want to list a few of these here.  I'm doing this because I know some others who may have been through this or may go through this might somehow find relief that they are not the only ones with thoughts like these...

What if I had chosen to induce my labor earlier?
What if I had paid better attention to my diet and not gained so much weight?  Would I have been able to deliver him quicker if I was in better shape?
What if I had agreed to the cervical sweep earlier instead of delaying it a few days?
What if I had pushed harder while I was in the tub?  Would I have been able to deliver him quicker if I had somehow focused better?
What about that time I missed the bottom step on our porch and landed hard on my feet, jolting all my bones and muscles?  Did this have something to do with it?
What about all the painful walking I did to try to induce my labor the week before I went in to be induced?  I was told that Wolfie was already low in my pelvis, so did all the walking and birth-ball bouncing pinch his cord somehow?
What about the fact that when I received the cervadil to ripen my cervix on the first night of the induction, and I was made to lay somewhat on my back (slightly reclined) for a good while- did this put Wolfie in a bad position that caused this?  I've been told that laying on your back is bad because it could restrict blood flow.
What if I had waited longer to deliver naturally without induction?  This might have led to a c-section or a traumatic birth... but would it have saved his life?
What if I had gone to a chiropractor like so many had suggested to me? 
What if I had been drinking the red raspberry leaf tea for the duration of my whole pregnancy instead of just the last week?
What if I had done a better job of taking my prenatal vitamins?
What if I had not taken the castor oil?  Or taken more of it?
What if I had done a better job of getting us into a birthing class?  Would the extra knowledge somehow have helped?
What if I had done a better job of doing prenatal yoga?  Would I have been able to open up my pelvis more?  Would this have helped?
What about my pelvic girdle pain?  Did this have anything to do with it?  What if I had done more to help with that pain?

...and many more...


But perhaps the most painful of all the "what ifs"... because for some reason it cuts me to the core... and I don't believe in it, I really don't but trust me... if you were me, if you were in my shoes right now you would hear this too:

What if you had not insisted on a natural or low intervention birth?

Because behind this "what if" is a little evil voice... a tiny little devil... so faint you can barely hear him... he says, "your decision to do this naturally, your decision to go with low intervention... your decision killed your baby".

I see myself in an uncomfortable OBGYN's office.  I see myself laboring with an epidural, my feet up in stirrups, scared out of my mind.  I see myself, being wheeled to the OR with a blank, nervous stare across my face - like that hispanic lady I saw on her way there when Ben and I were headed to the NICU for the first time.  I see all of that... and sometimes in the fantasy I see me holding my baby hours later, selfishly crying because I didn't get the birth I thought I would.  Lamenting that I didn't receive the natural oxytocin benefits.  Dropping a few tears... but ultimately not having a care in the world because Wolfie is there.  And other times I see all of that... and I still see the same outcome.  I see a blur of nurses filling a room, only this time it is an operating room.   I still don't see my baby.  I still don't get to really hold him.  The opposite extreme didn't save him.  In another fantasy I have a home birth.  Same thing with two different outcomes... either Wolfie lives because things were different or he still goes to heaven because that was God's intention all along, no matter how hard I tried or didn't try.

I goes without saying that all of these things are hurdles I will have to jump if I get pregnant again.

Ultimately I come back to earth and stop and be still for a while because I know that God is in control.  Like all of you I do my best not to listen to or entertain those little devil voices.  I have them, I acknowledge that they are there but I do not act on them, and I seriously work very hard not to dwell in them.  But they do come up.  Living this out is not just a daily challenge... you hear, "pick up your cross daily".  Well, I'm reaching for it just about every 5 or 10 minutes these days...because my life was already so drenched in Wolfie, I'm not sure my thoughts of him will ever dry up.  

Somewhere there is a peace out there for me... probably through some counseling, or maybe with just some time and lots of prayer.  The peace will help me see that I did do my best.  It will help me move on from the "what ifs".  It will help me to daydream about the memories I wish to cherish without ending in a nightmare of "what ifs".

I have a lot of work ahead of me, I can tell.  But I am so glad that I am willing to keep working at it. 

My mother says I should have been a lawyer because I'm utterly relentless.  She also says my Native American name should have been Rides a Dead Horse, because I hate the thought of giving up.  I am thanking God for that.