does not compute

If my inner emotion were a computer, my screen would be blue and it would read,

Error:  Does not compute.


I do not understand why babies and little children must die.  For all the reasons I could muster, it doesn't fit into my feeble understanding of how God cares for us.  Why these little innocents must shuffle off cannot be part of God's care for those who are left behind (or if you see one's time on earth as a gift, then also those who are taken).  I have a hard time with the question of whether or not God has his hands in this or not.  On one hand, I wonder if it's part of some divine plan, which upon facing eternity in happiness and in the presence of all that is holy will become not only evident but like a small thing to me (but not until then).  In this scenario, death is not only a part of God's plan but God has created death to go along with our mortality, and he intends to use it for some greater plan. 

I have a hard time believing the above scenario.  I am not utterly convinced that God wants us to experience death, the loss of death or the pain of it in order to glorify some great plan... I think he loves us greatly as individuals (not just small pieces in a greater machine or plan).

  On the other hand, I wonder if perhaps death and the horror, shock and pain of death were like the cancer upon God's good creation (one which God did not intend but did allow) and seeing as how God did not intend for this to happen to his most beloved, all will be reconciled when the enemy is destroyed.  In this scenario God collects the perfect spoils of this spiritual war and redeems them in heaven.  But in this scenario, God is not responsible for the induction of death (the creation of death).  Whether we cast it upon ourselves at the beginning of his creation, or whether it a product of the enemy (or both), God saves us ultimately from it...that which he did not intend for us to endure.   

But if this is the case then why, God?  Why are we waiting?  How much terrible harm can be done on the most pure and beautiful things ever to exist before you rescue them (us)?

I feel inclined to believe that we were not created to handle death well.  This is why it does not compute.  I cannot fathom my own demise, nor can I even begin to understand or grasp the death of another.  Not only that... but I hate death.  If given the chance I would wish it all away from the face of the earth- never to harm another again. 

Is our emotion energy?  Where does the pain of death go?  Some people like to talk about the circle of life (with or without God in it)... where is the spot in the circle for the pain, anger, rage, frustration, hurt, bewilderment, and turmoil of death?  Do all of our tears go back into the earth too?  Are they recycled into life-giving water? 

Sigh.

Here is where I am right now.  An error screen. 

But maybe that's the best place to be.  I'm not entirely sure that I'm *supposed* to compute.  This event doesn't register in my earthly equation... and besides I'm not very good at solving formulas anyhow.

peter gabriel

So, I am well aware that my perception of things like music have changed since losing Wolfie, but I just had to share these two songs with you all. 

When my father died, I was really moved and touched by a song by Peter Gabriel.  The song is called Mercy Street.

"dreaming of mercy street
where you're inside out
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms again
dreaming of mercy street
swear they moved that sign
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms"

So, someone just posted this next song on Facebook for those who are grieving.  Dang, Peter Gabriel... you got me again.  The lyrics to this song are absolutely so real to me.  

 
"I Grieve"

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve