Sunday, October 13, 2013

our 2nd child, our "rainbow" baby

We are excited to announce that we're pregnant!  I'm already 13 weeks along, am no longer feeling icky, and am really looking forward to a nice, big belly.  This is our "Rainbow" baby.

"What is a rainbow baby? A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."


We know that some of you may be curious, or have questions.  I've put some of the anticipated questions below in case anyone wants to know.  The questions get "deeper" as they go along, so read up as much as you desire. 

When are you due?  Will you find out the sex?  Do you have names picked out?  Are you feeling any morning sickness?

I'm due April 22nd (this is just 7 days after Wolfie's expected due date and 8 days before Wolfie was born).  Yes, we plan to find out the sex on December 5th.  Yes we do have names picked out.  If it's a girl we will name her Gretta Susi (Susi means "wolf" in Finnish!), and if it's a boy we will name him Fox (we don't have a middle name picked out yet for a boy... but we're considering Lawrence because my dads name was Larry).  And since I'm already 13 weeks along, I am not feeling any of the general "ickyness" that I was feeling about 4 weeks ago.  I feel great and everything!

So, you're due pretty much the same time you had Wolfie.  Does that freak you out a little?

Well, yes and no.  It freaks me out that the universe, God, the force, whatever has seen fit to place us in this strange position.  But I'm going to choose (in so much as I can forcibly choose) to see it as a blessing.   I dunno... call it a little kiss from Wolfie or something.   I end up thinking a lot about Wolfie in April, of course.  I think he'll seem closer to me as I near the birth of this baby and although that brings the pain of it closer, it also keeps him close.  We already have a child.  Although he has passed, it will be nice to have my heart full of him too as I make room in my life and my heart for this next one.   Not to mention, my father passed away on April 9th... I mean, April is a big month for reflection for me... and for keeping spirits close at heart.  

Are you considering doing things differently this time?

Yes and no.  For starters I'm eating well this time.  You may or may not have even noticed that I'm getting "rounder"... or maybe you thought I just had a big meal and a pint of bloaty cider or something.  I plan to keep it this way (save the belly, of course).  Last time, I bulked up a bunch in spots I didn't need to put the poundage on.  We weren't prepared mentally or financially to afford endless fresh fruit or frozen banana pops or organic eggs and lean meat.  But now we are.  I'm also taking my prenatals every day... hard to admit that I didn't do that with my first.  I'm also going to enroll in some aqua-aerobics classes - I gotta tell you, I think I'm more excited about that than anything else.  

BUT - there's a lot we will do the same.  yes, the SAME.  I'm with the same midwives and I plan to give birth the same way.  Hopefully I get to receive my baby in the water this time, and also hopefully I don't have to be induced.   I know some of you may say to yourselves, gosh if I were her, I'd just schedule the c-section so I could have peace-of-mind.  In our situation, it isn't called-for.  Rest assured that if it ever were recommended to me by my qualified doctors, I would submit wholeheartedly.   We have been told over and over again that what happened to Wolfie (although the details remain unknown) was an accident, a very rare accident...and that it's not likely to happen that way again.   And everyone agrees that I'm healthy for natural birth, and honestly... after giving birth to a nearly 10 pound baby, I think I'm good at it.   And I'm looking forward to it being easier this time... and maybe a slightly smaller/lighter baby.

Aren't you scared?  What if something tragic happens again?

There's a certain, sad-like strength that the sufferers of tragedy carry with them.  If history ever repeats itself, I imagine these say to themselves, even though the pain is no less than before that "this isn't my first rodeo" and they use the knowledge of grief from their past to suffer through.  Yes I'm scared... but isn't every expectant parent?   It's hard to say what we'd do.... I think it's wrong to definitively say at all.  So I'll take a page from my husband's book and say... "we'll cross that bridge when it comes".... something that I hardly ever, ever say.    Flashes of the "what ifs" come to me at all times... but I'm going to choose (in so much as I can choose) to focus on a positive outcome.  Holding my baby... seeing my baby open their eyes... make noises... move around... and live a happy life.  

Is there anything that I can do?  

Yes, keep us in your thoughts and help us focus on the positive.  We're obviously a little "timid" this time.  We waited extra long to tell anyone (even our family just found out).  And we'll likely wait extra long to set up the crib area and it's also likely that we won't have a baby shower or anything either.... but we literally feed off of the excitement and the encouragement of our family and friends - we need your good vibes.    

And, I just wanted to thank everyone for all the support and friendship over the years.   It has been a difficult 2.5 years emotionally... not gonna lie.  And though it never ends, we can't thank you all enough for every last word, every last gesture.  As always, we look forward to many more "times" with all of you... whether good or bad, such is life - we want to share them with you.