neglect

Dishes wait one to two days in the sink.  The laundry bin overfloweth.  Dust and dog fur balls collect in the corners that are bigger than your fist.  The toilet desperately needs scrubbing.  The fridge finds itself fairly empty these days as I'm often uninspired to shop for food let alone cook it.  My work (sewing) is literally moving at a snails pace.  I can't even be bothered to shower as often as needed or make my hair pretty or put on makeup or anything either.  If it weren't for a few friends who call and schedule things to do with me throughout the week, I doubt I'd bother getting out of my pajamas (or even changing them day to day) for days on end.  I would probably literally just mull around the house, a stinky mess...and I'm talking about myself, not the house.

Now some of you might say, "You've been through a lot.  You need to take it slow and take your time with things.  Don't stress the little things and focus on yourself and feeling better.  No need to stress yourself out with a to-do list or deadlines."

But sooner or later "taking it easy" turns into neglect. 

I think I've reached the peak of the mountain of neglect and I'm slowly working my way down (I hope).  I'm chipping away at a long to-do list... but trying not to stress out about it. 

In some ways it makes me feel better to work and accomplish things.  To clean and feel fresh and new after a shower.  But to be honest, it's not much of difference to me compared to how I feel just wallowing around not doing much at all really.  You see, I've lost my mojo.  I used to be so excited about so many things.  I used to have desires.  I was a woman with a plan.  A woman who knew what she wanted.  Now, not so much.  Most nights, I couldn't even tell you what I wanted for dinner even if money were no object...I've nearly lost the ability to be excited about anything.  I feel numb.  But I hate to feel numb.   I know I was so much better-off full of life and color.

I am taking some strides to get there though.  This week I went out and spent time with friends.  One-on-one little get-togethers are best for me right now... and I am glad for some great friends to spend time with out and about.  I even visited a friend and new mom (and her baby which is only a few weeks old).  We sat and talked for a bit while she held the baby and I was really happy and peaceful about it all.  It was making me depressed to not to be able to see my new-mom friends.  I'm glad I did that... I'm glad I took a few little steps and got to see her.

Tonight I am also going to apply for the first craft fair of the fall season.  It's a big thing for me even to apply, honestly.  It's hard to imagine getting down to the nitty gritty of all that hard work just like last fall... but it has to be done.  I CANNOT be a little housewife.  I have to make money or we won't be able to survive.  Yes, it's stressful.  Very much so, actually.  But I have to do it.

It was nice being able to neglect things for a little while, I have to admit.  Maybe from time to time I will neglect certain things.  That's fine, I'm sure.  But in general, I think it's time to get back to the world.  To get back to living.  To work and move and feel productive.  To make things and do things and not feel like such a waste.