Monday, November 14, 2011

mad at God

I am mad at God.  There I said it. 

If God is my "father" then I am like a child who in a moment of complete joy and blissfulness was struck across the face by my father's hand with full force.  I grasp my cheek and look up to my father, with tears filling the corners of my eyes, and lump filling my throat.  After a brief glance, searching my father's face for a reason for such a hurtful act, I run from him.  I find a quiet place where I can listen to myself cry...and wait for an explanation.

I am mad at God.  There is no way around it.  If any human person ever took from me what was taken, I would probably go insane from the murderous spirit that would dwell within me.  I would never want to murder anyone... or suffer anyone unto death purposefully... but I would wrestle with that rage for the rest of my life.

Why should it be any different then for God? 

I would not displace my love for God, and my gratefulness for all that he HAS DONE for me... but now within and around and amongst all that love is an anger too. 

I love you... but I'm extremely pissed at you right now.

So, it's kinda hard for me to sit in church with this going on in my head.  I think that the key to spirituality is the relationship you have with your creator.  And of course, anger and hurt are parts of relationships.  But I don't see too many places in church where I can take out some of my anger.  Wouldn't it be great if there were also punching bags near the alter where we could let out our frustrations and then a little area with pillows and a box of tissues where we could curl up in a fetal position and cry and scream like toddlers throwing a fit?  And then afterwards, there would be ice-cream and someone we love would take us to get wasted on red wine so we could just fall asleep like a sad mess.  That might be cathartic for me... or difficult.  But in any case that's the level of craziness that I need in order to really open up and show my "true feelings".   Mostly in church I'm just a shadow of how I really feel... because how I really feel would involve lots of screaming and crying... probably snot flying out of my nose and me making all kinds of horrific "crying faces"....and I guess I'm just really not comfortable with sharing that side of me with everyone. 


I guess you could say that the "routine" of life has gotten easier.  But the same emotion still lingers with nearly the same intensity on the inside.

Have you ever fallen in love?  You know how suddenly every song you hear is somehow related to that person?  How every little coincidence is suddenly meaningful to your situation?  This is what it's like for me... only it's not about love.  It's about the death of my son.  Everything that happens, every song, every event, every little thing... I can't experience it without considering how it relates to Wolfie.  This has left a permanent print on everything that happens in my life...even my memory of the things that happened before.  It has simultaneously altered both the perception and feelings of the past, present AND future.

It's a weight on my heart that will be there until I die.  I just have to carry it.

1 comment:

  1. I still don't know you, but I'm sending you love anyway.

    God's big enough to handle our madness at Him - in His presence we can think and behave how we're feeling, which ultimately is a good thing?

    I pray that you find that place of catharsis.