does not compute

If my inner emotion were a computer, my screen would be blue and it would read,

Error:  Does not compute.


I do not understand why babies and little children must die.  For all the reasons I could muster, it doesn't fit into my feeble understanding of how God cares for us.  Why these little innocents must shuffle off cannot be part of God's care for those who are left behind (or if you see one's time on earth as a gift, then also those who are taken).  I have a hard time with the question of whether or not God has his hands in this or not.  On one hand, I wonder if it's part of some divine plan, which upon facing eternity in happiness and in the presence of all that is holy will become not only evident but like a small thing to me (but not until then).  In this scenario, death is not only a part of God's plan but God has created death to go along with our mortality, and he intends to use it for some greater plan. 

I have a hard time believing the above scenario.  I am not utterly convinced that God wants us to experience death, the loss of death or the pain of it in order to glorify some great plan... I think he loves us greatly as individuals (not just small pieces in a greater machine or plan).

  On the other hand, I wonder if perhaps death and the horror, shock and pain of death were like the cancer upon God's good creation (one which God did not intend but did allow) and seeing as how God did not intend for this to happen to his most beloved, all will be reconciled when the enemy is destroyed.  In this scenario God collects the perfect spoils of this spiritual war and redeems them in heaven.  But in this scenario, God is not responsible for the induction of death (the creation of death).  Whether we cast it upon ourselves at the beginning of his creation, or whether it a product of the enemy (or both), God saves us ultimately from it...that which he did not intend for us to endure.   

But if this is the case then why, God?  Why are we waiting?  How much terrible harm can be done on the most pure and beautiful things ever to exist before you rescue them (us)?

I feel inclined to believe that we were not created to handle death well.  This is why it does not compute.  I cannot fathom my own demise, nor can I even begin to understand or grasp the death of another.  Not only that... but I hate death.  If given the chance I would wish it all away from the face of the earth- never to harm another again. 

Is our emotion energy?  Where does the pain of death go?  Some people like to talk about the circle of life (with or without God in it)... where is the spot in the circle for the pain, anger, rage, frustration, hurt, bewilderment, and turmoil of death?  Do all of our tears go back into the earth too?  Are they recycled into life-giving water? 

Sigh.

Here is where I am right now.  An error screen. 

But maybe that's the best place to be.  I'm not entirely sure that I'm *supposed* to compute.  This event doesn't register in my earthly equation... and besides I'm not very good at solving formulas anyhow.